


Holtzbert Balderdash Pt II

by ddaybluedevil



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Established Erin Gilbert/Jillian Holtzmann, F/F, Rocket Launchers and Buddy Holly, why did i forget kevin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-11-22 07:59:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11375943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ddaybluedevil/pseuds/ddaybluedevil
Summary: 7 one shots of  varying lengthsFirst time poster, longtime subscriber, avid reader, and 4 am comment writer. Really glad to be here folks, this is my contribution for Holtzbert Week, enjoy, drink Mtn. Dew, and let's get the show on the road!





	1. Swiss Army Knife

**Author's Note:**

> I am rocking and rolling into Day 2 of Holtzbert Week ladies and gents. Be back here to-morrow, I’ll be here all week folks, so again enjoy! I was only able to finish six of these which is a feat for me. A lot of blood, sweat, and sanity went into this (minus the actual blood that went into this). I am now the first and hopefully only recipient of the Holtzbert Week Sacrifice Medal, (thanks Cap'n Eevachu) after a nasty argument with the sidewalk, the sidewalk won! 
> 
> Enough with this nervous ramble, let's get this show on the road, I have a lot of stuff in store and let’s kick this off with a bang *fires cannon* 
> 
> Inspired by Stan Ridgway's song, "Camouflage" and the subsequent cover by Sabaton. Both are cool songs and you should most definitely listen to them.

* * *

 

Erin Gilbert clutched her Swiss Army Knife tightly as the explosions rocked the city skyline. This was even worse than what she thought would happen, ghosts from different eras and time were pouring out of the portal. The ground shook as she felt bombs go off and she looked out to the harbor, ghostly warships flying the British flag was firing on the shore, this was mayhem. She ran into an alcove digging in and counting down her fate, gripping her proton wand tight. She jumped out and saw a ghostly Marine standing in front of her. 

The big, ghostly Marine set off with a grim determination as he heard the rockets land on the shore. He only knew that a vengeful ghost was waking the dead and trying to use them, he would not be a pawn. He ran further down W 69th Street and slowed as his felt a presence behind the little door, it was warm and pleasant.

“I’m armed!” Erin shrieked as the ghost walked closer. She noticed his big friendly eyes and she lowered her wand.

_“Wait, don’t worry, son, I'm here, if Charlie wants to tangle now he'll have two to dodge, name’s Camouflage,” the ghost said as he extended his hand and Erin gave him a skeptical look, “Nice pocketknife, can I see?”_

“Erin.” She said as she held the knife out and he picked it up. Erin gave him a look as he looked at the pocketknife Holtzmann had given her.

_He examined the knife slowly as he opened the main blade, memorizing the knocks, and scratches this knife had lived through. A pocketknife showed a lot about the person who carried it, he paused when he saw the initials, ‘JH 65’-68’ 1st Mns’ engraved in the handle, he knew the promise had been kept._

_He pushed those thoughts aside as he fixed his bayonet to his rifle and the woman gave him a knowing smile, they still had a long way to go. Erin fought alongside this man and saw how strong he really was. He would knock five ghosts down and fire his rifle to thin out the pockets of ghosts encountered. She watched in awe as he slashed and punched against the  various ghosts._

_She heard the whoosh of bullets and she thought this was the moment she was had, he merely swatted the bullets with his hand, like it was a fly. They continued up the street and walked through the devastation that the ghosts Rowan had released from beyond the barrier._

“How?” she asked as the started walking up one of the long avenues towards Times Square.

_“We were forgotten, do you know what it’s like when no one visits your grave?” he asked and she shook her head, “We shall not sleep, though poppies grow.” He said with a growl and Erin finally understood, what Rowan had promised them, it was enticing offer to be sure._

“You were forgotten, all of them were forgotten and Rowan” Erin said before Camouflage cut her off.

_“Promised us the world of the living and to kill all those who broke faith with us, something like that. I warned them not to listen to him, he made all these promises, like a dictator but did they fight back? This is not what we wanted. I fought against dictators to only to see another rise in my after-life.” He said as they continued up the avenue, Erin watching as she saw him light a ghostly cigarette into the dark night’s sky._

“Where are, you buried?” Erin asked as the man gave a grim smile as they keep walking, she fell as a ghost attacked her. 

_Camouflage slung his rifle up and quickly fired into the ghost, they had to keep moving. These battle stands were really taking a toll on his form, materialization came with a cost. He did not know how long he could stay with Erin before he would have to go back to paradise._

"Thanks." She said as Camouflage extended his arm and she took it gratefully, ignoring the cold that shot through her arm

_“Yaphank, next to my dad. Lillian must be in her seventies now, that was my wife, Lillian. She had the blondest hair you ever saw. Enough about me, we need to keep moving, get you back to your squad.” He said as they pushed ever forward, Erin looking back at the man who seemed to be for-cusing on the new problem at hand, two taxis lay on their sides blocking that one vital avenue on 32nd Street. The three ghostbusters remain crushed under the balloon as they struggle to get free._

* * *

 Holtz is trying to get her hand free but she could not move an inch. She coughed a bit as she tried anything to break free but it was pointless, this was how she was going to meet her fate. Abby rubbed her hand on Holtz’s back as she knew this must driving the engineer insane. The rubber balloon rubbing on her back as she laid flat on her stomach. She would never get to tell Erin about a new idea she had been kicking around, a proton rocket launcher and she could have used one right about now or that she loved the way she danced when she figured a new equation out. 

* * *

 Camouflage helps Erin climb the overturned taxis as they continued to slowly work their way up to Times Square. Bodies lay in the street and he looked at his companion looked queasy, she never had experienced death like this. She had never seen a body ripped to shreds and Rowan had cannibalized most of the ghosts to attack on sight.

_“Wait, listen do you hear that?” he asked as she stopped an listened with him._

"That-that sounds like my friends. What do we do?” Erin said as she looked down W. 41st Street and looked back at the ethereal Marine.

_“You go save the world and you get the girl.” He responded as Erin stared back at him._

“What girl? Are-you can’t even know-how do you know about my stupid crush on Jill- hey!” Erin yelled as she swats at the man’s arm.

_“I may be dead but I was always good knowing when some has that love glow.” He said with a smirk as they continued walking down the street._

“Glow? You’re the ghost here!” Erin yells as the ghost chuckles and he points down the street.

_“I helped you and now for some truth time, Erin. I- you know I am glad you have my pocketknife, treat it well and take care of her. If not-well- you will see what happens when I lift a palm tree out of the ground.” The ghost said with a knowing smirk and he walked off, shouldering his rifle as he went._

“You’d bludgeon me with a palm tree if I don’t admit my feelings for Holtz?” Erin asked as she tried to make out the retreating figure of Camouflage against the glittering lights. Well, she wanted to kiss Jillian anyway and now she had the threat of getting bludgeoned by a ghost armed with a palm tree looming over her head if she didn't.

_He knew his granddaughter was in safe hands, mostly safe hands and if Erin did not kiss her, well possession was always an option: not really needed, those idiots would find each other soon enough and if the apocalypse could not bring them together then nothing would._

* * *

 Erin rushed down the street and popped the balloon as her friends got up and hugged her. They were shocked at how confident she seemed and the swagger that she had, it was like she had been inspired.

“Proton guns are all fine and good but sometimes you need the Swiss Army.” Erin said confidently as she held her knife up and Holtzmann looked so happy

Erin felt that warm butterfly feeling in her stomach and pushed it down as they had work to do. She still loved Holtz and extended the hug for a few more seconds than necessary, before they had to go and defeat Rowan, for the last time. They rushed forward to get their dumb receptionist and save the world.

* * *

 The four ghostbusters stood together as they blasted Rowan as he falls into the portal, he takes a swipe at Erin and carries her in the portal with him. The three just stand there in shock as Holtz falls on her knees. Patty rushes to their friend’s aid as she sobs and Abby runs up to the portal but she feels an arm push her back, she looks in surprise as a big ghost in camouflage glares at her.

 _“Idiot, I told her not to do anything stupid and this how she repays me? Excuse me, a Marine’s work is never done.” T_ he ghost said as he jumped into the portal as Abby looked on and Holtzmann had to do a double take, was that her grandpa? 

* * *

 Erin tried to wiggle out Rowan’s palm but it was no use, she knew a crushed rib by was plausible and she was going to die. There was no sound in the portal as she fell with Rowan and with a scowl to meet her fate. The other ghosts swirled around as she took in what her death was going to entail, death by a cartoon character and it was not My Pet Monster either, that would have been a better fate if she was honest with herself.

_He scowled as he navigated his way through the portal and tried to hone in on Erin Gilbert, he looked to his left and saw another Marine giving chase. They gave a quick nod and dove down quicker as time was of the essence, the portal would be closing in a matter of minutes and Erin will be trapped. Camouflage flew down and threw three of his ghostly grenades at Rowan and the creature screeched, releasing Erin and she fell faster as Camouflage lunges forward and catches her in his arms. She’s bleeding and he tightens his grip on her, the portal will close and they cannot be here when it happens. He flies up as the portal gets smaller and smaller, they may just make it back. He needs to time just right and they can make it back to her home, bring her home. Home, home, home._

* * *

 “Where is Dr. Gilbert? Isn’t she supposed to be here with you?” Jennifer Lynch said with annoyance as the three Ghostbusters sat on the ambulance bumper and are tended to after the big battle.

“She fell into a portal man, and a ghost went in after her, she prolly dead Lynch and you think we made that up?” Patty said as she held Holtzmann close. The small woman was not taking the news well that Erin was not back yet, she had refused to talk, causing Lynch to be irritated.

“She is alive, just you wait and see.” Abby said as she sat nursing her black eye from Rowan’s possession earlier and glared at the mayor’s assistant.

“Okay, if she gets back let her know that the mayor thanks her.” Lynch said as she walked off to deal with those useless Homeland Security agents. She highly doubted that Erin Gilbert was alive but she was a hero, that was for damned sure.

* * *

 Erin groans and she looks around as she takes her surroundings in, graves. Is she dead?

_“Shit, Erin, this is Yaphank and I am so sorry. I messed up Manhattan with Yaphank.” The big Marine says as he gingerly helps her up and slings her across his shoulder._

“Thanks, I need to get back. They probably think I am dead since I didn’t land back in Times Square.” Erin said as she clutched her side, her ribs burned like fire and she saw some shrapnel lodged in her side. 

_"Let’s get you to Lillian’s and my soul returns to paradise thereafter.” He said as they walked past the graves and he struggles to keep her upright._

Erin paused as she looks at one headstone and groans as she pulls out her Swiss Army Knife and traces the initials, ‘JH’. 

She glances to the tomb, John P. Holtzmann, father and Marine, “His deeds nobly done” the tombstone reads. She shifts and looks at the death date, July 16th, 1968, today, the day of the death was one of the weaker times a ghost could cross back. She looked as the ghost paused and saw what she was staring at. They both pause before either of them speak.

_“It was an obscene death, stepped on a mine and next thing I knew my best friend was there, crying. His name is Bill Tolan and well, he took my Swiss knife back to Lillian. I came back here in 98’ when Jill graduated. Full ride to MIT, makes it worth it, ya dig? She never got to have a grandpa but if she did, I would have spoiled her too much, Lill did a lot of that, enough.” he paused, “I knew she was gay before she told Lillian or my daughter, Vivian.. Come on, lets get you over to Lill’s.” he finished as they strolled up the main street of Yaphank._

Erin admired the trees that lined the avenue and took a deep breath of the fresh air that was evasive in the city. Her ribs were on fire and she wondered how much longer she could go on, the house had to be nearby. She groaned as Camo-no John led her to his wife’s houses, Holtz’s grandmother, oh this was going to be interesting, Erin thought bitterly. They neared an old house that had the white picket fence and three gold starred flag in the window. 

“What’s the flag for?” Erin asked as she grit her teeth as the big Marine carried her up the steps of the Holtzmann family's home

_“Grandfather, me, sister. Two of us died in Vietnam and one in the Argonne. Lets get you up and in, I need to head back soon.” He said wearily as he pushed the injured Erin up the steps and banged on the door four times, he disappeared after that._

 Erin groaned as the elderly woman opened the door and gasped, picking the woman up and taking her into the house. The woman helped Erin take the pack off and put her on the sofa, going fetch the tea in the kitchen that she had left in the kitchen.

“Dearie, I am sorry but you look like shit, why did someone drop you off to me and not a hospital?” Lillian asked as the woman weakly tried to sit up.

“Camouflage, Swiss Army, Jill, ghosts.” Erin mumbled as she finally dozed after such a long day of ghosts and preventing a near apocalypse.

Lillian sighed as she spoke to her husband’s portrait, “I am always cleaning up your messes love, still being my hero and never getting people to hospitals when they actually need them.”

Lillian gently unzipped the jumpsuit and went back into the kitchen as she pulled the gauze tape and bandages from when Jillian was running around, painting Yaphank red with “small poofs”. 

She gently walked back into the living room and began taping the woman’s ribs, she needed to stabilize it so she could get her back to New York City. She would make a call to Abigail after she loaded the woman into her 64’ Pontiac GTO and make her way back into the City. 

* * *

 “Holtzy, come on cheer up they looking for Erin everywhere in the portal radius, they gonna find her.” Patty said as Holtzmann continued to weld and just ignore her.

“Nothing?” Abby queried as Patty looked at her and then Holtz, nothing had made the engineer speak in days, even when Doctor Gorin came in from MIT.

They went back to the breakroom and Dr. Gorin looked at them with curiosity, understanding the difficult situation they were in. Jillian often went into these states whenever she dealt with a bad breakup, bad date, and the last time she acted this weird was after CERN but she had never been mute.

“No, he does not work here, whose Aaron? No, you sound like a plastic submarine.” Kevin said loudly as the gang ran towards the desk and swiped the phone from him.

“HI, this is Dr. Abigail Yat- oh, you know who I am, ok. Ok, yes. Ok, yes. Yes, will be there soon, thank you Grammy Holtz. What is a Yaphank? Ok, yes, sorry, again see you soon.” Abby said as he put the receiver and she looked at her friends who waited for the news.

“Okay, good news is Grammy Holtz found Erin and has her stabilized enough to come home. Bad news, Grammy Holtz is already driving here and shes driving her GTO to Columbia University Medical Center” Abby said as her friends and Gorin rushed to Gorin’s small sedan as they all crammed in.

Holtz’s leg shook as she sat shotgun and waited to finally see Erin.

 

 

 Grandma Holtz waited for them in the lobby as the five friends and dysfunctional family of Erin Gilbert waited for the results, good or bad.

“Thank you, Grammy, thank you, thank you.” Jillian said as she flung herself at the old lady and elder Holtzmann chuckled.

“Be thankful for Gramps too, idiot decided to show up and save her life, mind you he’s our idiot. Who else would bang on the door four times besides you?” The old woman retorted and gave her granddaughter a playful slap on the cheek.

“Thanks Grandma, I’m so glad you got her back to us.” Holtz said as she clung tightly to the old woman.

“He was always attached to that Swiss Army knife and she had with her, Jillian, that probably saved her life.” Lillian Holtzmann said as her granddaughter sobbed into her shoulder.

“Your right, I should have finished the weapons sooner and maybe she would not be in the ER.” Jillian choked out as she struggled with a huge snot bubble dangling from her nose. 

The elderly woman guided her granddaughter and waited as Dr. Gorin sat down on her other side, the two women rubbing the younger’s back as she let out a sob from the last couple of days, it had been a lot for her. They all had.

“No, you are not blaming yourself for that and if you do Grandpa John would have smacked you up the head, no would know if a friendly ghost would come through the portal.” Lillian said with a nod from Dr. Gorin who agreed with the little grandma.

 Erin groaned as she heard the beeping of the heart monitor, plus she felt that warm IV circulate through her body. She was in one of those thin hospital sheets and she shivered, it was colder than Camouflage’s hands and she ran her hand through her hair. 

The continued beat of the heart monitor droned on as she looked down at her chest, there was nothing but white bandages from her ribs on down, Rowan had really done a number on her, plus fighting all those little battle stands with Camouflage. She looked to her left and saw Holtzmann is curled up on a small chair and sleeping like a little hamster, it was such an adorable sight.

“Your awake, I should get-,” Holtzmann said groggily as she rose and Erin grabbed her arm as she pulled her closer. 

Erin pushed herself up and grabbed Holtzmann’s jacket as she kissed the engineer with reckless abandon, not caring who saw, living or dead. All that mattered in that moment was the two of them. Erin finally came up for air and saw how dazed Jillian looked from getting such a kiss.

“Jill, please, just lay right here and stay with me, please. I need you to hold me.” Erin said quietly as Holtzmann crawled on the bed and covered Erin with her jacket. The two remained quiet as they thought of the importance of a small Swiss Army Knife.

“He threatened to bludgeon me with a palm tree if I didn’t kiss you, not that I didn’t want to NOT kiss you., you know I wanted to do that anyway.” Erin said as Holtzman cackled and pats Erin’s head.

“What can I say? The Holtzmanns are crazy stock.” She retorted and Erin playfully slapped her on the arm.

“I know, now kiss me Jill.” Erin said as Holtzman happily obliged and as they embraced each other, Jill kissed Erin with a feathery touch.

Erin smiled at her as she hooked her good hand on Jillian’s neck and broke the kiss, Jill smiling as Erin placed one on her head. They would be okay, they were safe and it was all due to a big Marine in camouflage and the value of a Swiss Army Knife.

 


	2. Movie Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note, I just wanted to say that I have watched all the films in this. Yes, I have seen a movie called Gingerdead vs. The Evil Bong *whistles innocently* I have a crappy taste in movies.. ENJOY ANOTHER ADDITION TO HOLTZBERT WEEK /m\ *gulps down beer from my drinking horn, please note I was drunk when I WROTE the next two of these.

 Friday, it was finally Friday and Erin Gilbert felt relieved, who knew that June would be one of their busiest months? The Ghostbusters had received a huge influx of calls and the weekend had finally come. Gay bars become “active” during Pride and not the sexually active kind, the ghostly kind. It had been exhausting and Holtzmann always started flirting with the lady ghosts, even if they died during the AIDS epidemic, further proving Erin’s hypothesis that Jillian Holtzmann would flirt with anything that was in front, pulse or not. They need a movie night to lessen the tough stuff they were dealing with daily right now, Holtz had been a trooper with the ghosts but Erin knew it was hurting Holtz more than she wanted to admit, they were all young-looking ghosts too and most of them were Holtzmann’s age. They needed a break and a stupid early 2000’s, late 1990’s movie would help them ease the rough stuff they had been seeing lately.

“For the last time, we are NOT watching Dude! Where’s My Car? Holtzmann, Holtzmann! Aw, c’mon don’t do that, ya nasty.” Patty shrieks as she chases the blonde engineer back up to her lab, huffing in annoyance. There was more yelling and Abby glanced up at the lab, Holtz would be okay, she challenged the “power of Patty” daily.

“Move night?” Erin asks and Abby smiles as it had always been tradition to watch stupid movies on Friday nights in high school, after Erin got back from marching band, those stupid football games. This had carried over from high school to college and now, ghostbusting.

“Okay, just so you know I am open to Dodgeball, Good Burger, or Wayne’s World. If Holtzmann even mentions Gingerdead Man vs. The Evil Bong, I will kill her.” Erin said with a sigh as she finished the last of their paperwork for the evening. Abby looked up at the lab and wondered when she had become the ‘mom’ of their ragtag group.

“All clear on the western front and as your friend I will not ask about that last one, ok? I think Dodgeball will be the safest of all the ones anyone can suggest.” Abby responded as she heard another crash from upstairs.

“NOT MY GOOD BURGER VHS, Patty, WHY? What do you have against the genius of Kel Mitchell? THIS INJUSTICE WILL NOT STAND!” Holtzmann screams and both friends walk upstairs, not surprised that Holtz is sprawled out over several VHS and DVD cases, wearing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Boxers, a wife beater, a single Scooby-Doo sock, and slurping some Ecto-Cooler. No one knew why she made a drink out of ghost vomit and inisted on drinking it.

Patty gives the two other busters a look of ‘help me.’ Erin bends down and places a hand on the younger woman’s shoulder, Holtz sniffles, it’s so cute and Erin tries to hide a smile. Holtz always acts like a kid and sometimes it’s cute, right now it was as cute as fake, plastic submarine, so not that cute right now.

“Look, maybe we can watch Dodgeball, its got Chuck Norris and William Shatner in it. Plus, a hot girl who keeps getting mistaken for a lesbian. Are we straight?” Erin asked as Holtz turns to look at her and gives her a wink, ugh, she just loved that wink.

Patty and Abby looked at each other, they were both relieved, Holtz usually dug her heels in for Good Burger and Dude, Where’s My Car? but Abby knew Holtz. If she started the ‘Grape Nose Boy’ impression, she did not know who would have snapped first, Patty or herself. One could go only so long before ‘Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity, I’m Grape Nose Gay ’is stuck in your head and it’s like the 11th Circle of Hell. Erin was gonna get a big fat gay joke after that, it was just the way of the Holtznator and she had wrapped it up in big rainbow-sized equality sized rainbow mix cake, Holtz would not let it slide by.

“Sure, but the only straight thing about me is when I finally line up that proton rocket launcher up against a ghost tank or another Rowan.” Holtz said with a smirk as Erin groaned, Holtz wanted those numbers for the AT4 but everyone, even Lynch was a little skeptical of needing a proton rocket launcher, or ‘BOO-FOR’, as Holtz insisted to call it.

“I don’t regret the idea of a rocket launcher, I regret that you want you test it on Phil after he stormed in here for a date, as if I’d go on a date with him again.” Erin said as she scooped Holtzmann up and they walked over to the sofa as Patty and Abby joined them, Erin put the film and was ready to witness the glory that was Rip Torn and Christine Taylor, why couldn’t she tell Holtz the same thing?

* * *

 

 30 minutes in, “Gilly, you were right, Kate is throwing down some serious gay vibes. Did you know I played softball in college, I was the worst umpire they ever had!” Holtz said as she stretches on Erin like a very well pleased treecat across Erin’s lap.

The two other busters look less impressed and Patty misses the wrench throwing scene.

“Can you shut up Holtz, I missed the wrench throwing at that scrawny white dude.” Patty hissed as Holtz smirked at her, they knew that look.

It was the ‘Holtz will eat a whole pack of bologna to prove a point’ look and Patty paused the movie, oh it was on. She grabbed two grapes on the table and quickly invaded Patty’s personal space, kicking Erin in the stomach and Abby in the face as she stretched across the couch, getting closer to the annoyed woman.

“Bloobity, bloobity, -.” Holtz is cut off by Erin’s hand which she promptly licks but she doesn’t pull back, Holtz is shocked. Usually, Erin pulled back but not tonight. Was it the Umpire thing? Or the fact that she was channeling her inner Kel, that could terrify anyone.

“One more bloobity and you will never get those equations for the rocket launcher and you’ll just have to scrap the project.” Erin said coyly as Holtz popped the two grapes out of her nose and re-adjusted themselves on the sofa.

“Thank you, Erin, God. Holtz, remember what I said about doing Grape Nose Gay? Do you? Please. Tell me what I told you.” Abby said, wagging her finger as Holtz looked at her with those sad puppy eyes.

“Only when I have said sixteen tequila shots and ONLY at PRIDE when the Baptists are there?” Holtz asks with a questioning look.

Patty and Erin both swiveled to look at their tiny engineer who could barely contain their shock at this new information. They knew Holtz had done stupid stuff, but what she had almost done was worse than opening a portal and unleashing some very pissed off ghosts. It was like she had opened the gates of hell or something, what could warrant such an annoying thing to do someone of the Christian denomination?

“Baby, why?” Patty asked as she looked down at Holtz who sank further into the couch, it was an embarrassing story and something she was not proud of. 

"I will answer you that. Some Westboro Baptist guy was giving Holtz hell for protecting a trans girl and she just started doing ‘bloobity, bloobity, bloobity, bloobity’ until the bible thumper left. 18 tequila shots in her at time, I lowered it to sixteen after she vomited on his shoes. She would have started up with the JW’s and Mormons, now she does it to annoy people she doesn’t like, god I hate Kel too.”

Abby said with a sigh as she looked between Patty and Holtz, then she spoke again, looking at Holtz, “I’ll give you a gold star sticker later for showing restraint, even though I know you’re doing it for the rocket launcher.” Abby said as she pats Holtz on the shoulder, Holtz slumps further in the sofa.

“That’s awesome but I still hate Kenan and Kel.” Patty said as they got comfortable on the sofa and unpaused the movie as the ladies were ready to finish the movie.

Holtz shimmied closer to Erin and buried her head in Erin’s chest, it was comfortable, for Holtz. Erin struggled to embrace it after she had learned about Holtz being drunk. Would she do that during sex? It was already annoying after only two retains, how many did that poor pastor go through? Not that she was sympathizing with a transphobe, just wow, she could picture twenty minutes of that and Holtz’s lips would be so supple, mmm.

“You say something there Erin?” Abby asked with a shit-eating grin, knowing full well she had a crush on Holtz and now it was getting good.

 “Damnit, they led us on making us think Kate was a lesbian and she’s just a bisexual and she hooks up with the guy?! LOOK AT HOW JOYCE IS ERG!” Holtz yelled as she hopped up out of her Erin nest, grabbed the two discarded grapes, hopped on Patty, and screamed,

“BLOOBITY!” before Erin violently pulls her from Patty and tosses her on the floor, Holtz looks up at a very seething Erin Gilbert, well this is not how she imagined getting Erin’s attention.

“JILLIAN! I am A BISEXUAL and it’s a movie, besides, I really like you.” Erin said as she slid down and laid on top of a now flustered Jillian Holtzmann. They remained in this position for a few minutes and just embraced the warm fuzzy feeling of being near each other.

“Wanna suck my metal machine?” Holtz asks as Erin giggles, it’s such a cute sound as Erin gives the blonde engineer a peck on the cheek.

“Guys, can you-.” Erin pauses as the two other women smile at her and Patty sighs. She was so glad they finally had a breakthrough and the pining was over, it was just gonna be thirty times worse now.

“Just promise me not to have sex on Kevin’s desk or Patty’s, just do it in a bedroom or a sofa, no tables, I do not want to see my two best friends going at like weasels in heat.” Abby said as she waved a warning finger towards the pair, she knew what Holtzmann’s libido was like and boy was Erin gonna have fun tonight.

“Please, no sex on MY desk ok, Holtzy? I KNOW WHERE you live, kay boo?” Patty said with a finger wag and left the two nerds upstairs, not wanting to know what happens until the next morning.

“Ya ready Gilly?Are ya, are ya, are ya?” Jillian asked as Erin gave her a knowing look, it was a naughty look, oh yeah, Holtz was definitely going to enjoy tonight.

“Patty’s going home tonight and no one’s going be in the beds upstairs, wanna do it on her twin bed?” Erin said with a devious grin, the ‘busters had set up four twin beds in case of a heavy upswing in ghost activity. They had not been used thus far but tonight would tip the scales in their favor.

“Hells yeah, let’s do it on her twin bed.” Holtz nodded as they walked off to do it in a twin bed, oh the ‘Power of Patty’ be damned. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, how I’d do? Annoyed? Do you have the Good Burger ‘bloobity, bloobity, bloobity’ for Grape Nose Boy (Gay, in this instance) in your head now? Yes, I did watch 15 minutes of Kel doing that, my brain is slightly dumber for it, I blame the beer. I laughed and snorted writing this, I do not write endings well. I just realized that Kate, the character from Dodgeball and Holtz is played by Kate McKinnon, so there’s a lot of for the many Kates however fictional or not they are a lot of Kates! (;
> 
> Leave a comment if ya wanna, punch the subscribe button if ya wanna read more, I don’t mind dudes and dudettes if you leave me a line here or on Tumblr.   
> Ddayreddevil on here, holtzisnotgozer on the Tumblr!


	3. Laundry Day, Rooby, Rooby-Roo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scooby snacks, mixed-up boxers and a slightly annoyed Patty without her tea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shortest of the one shots, sorry blame Western Civ I and my inability to sleep, ever apparent.

Laundry Day

Scooby-Doo Boxers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Boxers, Betty Boop Boxers, and Erin sighed. These were all of Holtzmann's underwear and she did not mind, it was just frustrating. Her basket had gotten mixed up with Holtzman’s and she is certain Holtzmann has her basket.  Why did they let Kevin do the laundry again? She should have looked through the basket more before she took it but it was exhausting after getting slimed for the millionth time. 

She ruffles through the clothes and groans, Holtzmann has a ‘Single and Ready to Pringle’ shirt, that was a bad one. She pulls out another that said, ‘I won the Nigerian lottery (again)’  that one made  her chuckle, that was kind of funny. She pulled out another and sighed, ‘I’m one more lab accident away from my super powers.’ That sounded like a typical day in their lab and Erin put the shirt back in the basket, wondering how many of these had been exposed to radiation. She shakes her head and changes into her borrowed clothes and collapses into bed, it had been a long week of busts gone bad and not the good, soft, warm ones of Holtzmann.

“Get a hold of yourself Gilbert, she’s just a girl and you’ll get over it like usual.” Erin whispered to herself as she tried to not think of the blonde as she tried to sleep.

-

Erin groaned as she trudged into the firehouse the next day and groaned. It had been a rough few weeks and she did not see Holtz sitting at the table, wearing the world’s tiniest bowtie and a beige skirt.

“Missing something Gilly?” Holtzmann asked as she stared at Erin’s shirt, the ‘I’m one more lab accident away from my super powers’ shirt. It looked so good on her and the way those cargo pants hugged her hips, ohoho, 'Holtzy ain't sorry'. 

“Noooo? Nice bowtie Holtz.” Erin responds with a smirk and looks down at her chest, she looked back at Holtz who was staring like a hawk.

“Okay, if you start doing terrible puns Imma think Freaky Friday shit happened in here or some hoodoo.” Patty said as she walked in the breakroom and had to do a double take as she picked up her tea mug.

“I’m GLAAD you asked Patty, it appears Kevin mixed up the laundry again and I ended up with Holtzmann’s clothing, Scooby-Doo Boxers included. It was a nice mistake for me though.” Erin said with a devious smirk and smiled knowingly at Holtzmann.

“I asked you not to and that’s TMI by the way. I did not need to know what Holtzmann wears ‘under there’, just don’t do it in the communal areas.” Patty said with a sigh, these two had been pining for a long time and she did not want to be near when the sexual tension became orgasmic, no poor word choice, umm, climaxed.

Patty quickly departed from the breakroom and headed to the New York Public Library for all of this to blow over.

“You wanna take this back to my apartment? We could share in some Scooby snacks, to ughm- keep up stamina.” Holtzmann says with a nervous smile and Erin grins back, like a poised treecat in heat.

“I thought you’d never ask, let’s go sweetie and promise me you don’t have any mortars on your bed.” Erin said with a knowing smile, the proton mortar was coming along well enough but Erin did not want to share a bed with a projectile capable of leveling part of a city block.

“Anything, we just need to get you out of my clothes. Shall we?” Jillian smiled and extended her arm to Erin with a knowing glance, it was time to go make some explosive magic.


	4. Can't Help Falling in Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Universe 
> 
> Its 50's Holtzbert cause I don't think anyone's done it yet and I wanted to write some 50's Holtzbert!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 50's AU 
> 
> Based off of a BIIIIG WW2 AU that I have coming down the pipeline, soon!
> 
> Some romantic music at the end by "The King" and yes I'm talking Elvis baby!  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHwnnKt2xLM

December 25th , 1957 

Jillian kicked off her shoes and slid into the kitchen as Erin whipped another batch of Cornish pasties that she absolutely adored, Erin cooked them as good as her mother did. It was a Christmas tradition after all, to have pasties on Christmas Day.  Holtzmann still remembered the taste of those pasties from fifteen years ago. The radio played a soft crooning of Bing Crosby  and Erin hummed along as Jill slung her arms around Erin’s waist.

“Hey sugarpie, what’s cookin?” Jill asked with a coy smile as she pecked a kiss on Erin’s cheek, they had been a couple for twelve years now since the war ended.

“The pasties, doofus. I’ll be back in a few minutes to the sitting room, mustn’t let Christmas dinner burn.” Erin said with a smile as Jill nuzzled a kiss on her neck.

“Fine, fine. I’ll leave you be but later we dance?” Jillian asked as Erin nodded and minded the oven.

Jillian shuffled out to the den and sat down in her lounge chair and opens the paper. What was happening in the world today? Not much judging by the cover story and she puts the special edition down.  She re-adjusts herself in the easy chair and looks at the little Christmas tree in the corner of the den. Erin had gone all out of this year and went down to Trader Vic’s to get a dozen Christmas crackers. The fireplace had silver tinsel and three stockings. One for her, Erin, and their Rat Terrier, Stalin. Oh, how Erin protested that name, they had fought tooth and nail on what the dog would be called and in the end, Jillian had won out. The dog in question jumped into her lap and snuggled in as there was a nip in the air.  Jillian smiled as she wondered how lucky she had been to find a woman who loved her for her and understood the risk they took by living together. It was never going to be an ordinary day for them but they made the most of it, as two survivors of a ghastly war could.  

Erin came into the den and smiled at the sight that greeted her, her two babies cuddled up and dinner was ready at last. She sat down and Jillian smiled at her as she scratched Stalin’s ears as he wiggled his little butt in Jillian’s lap as Jill pats the dog and looks up at Erin.

“Dinner’s ready and the tea is already on when we finish we can dance like we do every year.” Erin said with a smile as the two women got up and the dog followed them into the kitchen.

Erin grabs the plates and sets them down on the table as Jillian grabs the Gaines Burger to feed Stalin. Jill sits down at the table and rubs her shoulder, the war injury still causing her pain fifteen years on.

“Are you all right dear?” Erin asked with concern as Jill rubbed her sore arm.

“Yes, the arm’s acting up again. Can you give me a massage after dinner?” Jill said as she rubbed her arm and dug into her dinner.

“Sure, they aren’t working you too hard at Cambrian?” Erin asks as Jill looks up from her meal.

“No, had six flights from Heathrow to Cardiff and it was not bad, just started acting up when I got back home to you dear.” Jill said as she puts her hand over Erin’s, she gave her a knowing look.

“Promise me you won’t overwork yourself?” Erin asked as Jillian looked up at her, the puppy dog eyes in effect, Erin sighed, “Promise me? Humor me. Cambrian isn’t like the RAF and you need to stop being reckless, your arm needs rest.”

“I will and I forget about safety sometimes, I flew 10,000 sorties in the war but I will be safe for you.” Jill said with a wink as Erin blushed a bright red as they drink their tea and finish dinner in the ease of their home.

* * *

 

The supper done and the couple moved into the living room, lounging on their loveseat without a care in the world. Erin is massaging Jill’s shoulder as the radio plays Christmas music. Glenn Miller’s smooth strains of horns filled the air as Erin and Jillian got up, easing into a dancing position as Jillian locked arms with her. It was in these moments of peace that they were truly lucky for surviving such a nasty war, as they simply swayed to the music and embraced each other like two lovers would and all was right with the world.

“Are you okay sweetie?’ Jillian asked as she clutched Erin tight and looked at Erin, she was zoning again and sometimes she went back to the place where she got the tattoo.

“I-I- its snowing, Jillian its snowing.” Erin said as the two women turned to look out their window, “No ash, just snow.”

It broke Jillian’s heart to hear Erin say things like that, she had gone through so much during the war and some nights they both woke up, screaming. Erin had suffered worst of all, first a POW camp and then a death camp. The night terrors would pass in time and they would be normal again, as normal as they could in a place where they could not openly dance in a dance hall but in the confines of their home.

“Is that a tear, Er? Why cry? I am here.” Jillian said as her English faltered for a moment as Erin gave her a weak smile.

“I l-l-love you so much Holtz and it- I remember the nights when there was no music, no you.” Erin said as they continued to slowly waltz around the room. Stalin seemed to follow and nip at Jill’ s heels.

“I already feed you, dumb Stalin.” Jill said as she scared the dog away with her Oxford shoe and Erin let out a small laugh, however small, it made Jillian beam. The dog trots off to snuggle into Jillian’s slippers in their bedroom.

The music shifted again and Elvis came on, the strains of “Can’t Help Falling in Love” pour through the radio.

_Take my hand, take my whole life too_

Erin holds Jillian’s hand tighter as they dance closer and closer together, their love premating the air. No words spoken, they just danced in harmony and peace that the Christmas season promised. They had many joys and sorrows to celebrate on this Christmas Day, they had done it their way and through a world war and heartache, they still found each other in the end.

_For I can’t help falling in love with you_

Erin kisses Jillian chastely on the cheek as the song ends as they both stand in each other’s arms, “Don’t let their number define you. I’m here with you till the end of the line.” Jillian said as she placed a small kiss on the tattoo. She smiled, seeing the sweetheart charm that rested daintily on her wrist

Erin smiles softly, “I just can’t help falling in love with you more each day. I’m tired Holtz, can we go to bed now?” she said with a slight yawn.

_For I can’t help falling in love with you_

The last notes of Elvis’ velvety voice permeated the air as Jillian stared back at Erin, this is what they meant when the boys all wanted, a sweetheart to come home to. How did she get so lucky? Jill held Erin’s arm as she turned the wireless off and held Erin tight, taking in her scent and not wanting this moment to end. She holds Erin tight and dips her, gently as she kisses her lover tenderly and brings her back up, clutching her tight. This life had not been easy with either of them, yet they could not help falling in love.

“Doll, with your wazoo I’d go lay down and pile on the Z’s for an epoch.” Jill said with a smile as they slowly moseyed their way up to bed after another successful night of dancing and celebrating Christmas their way. 


	5. A Tub of Pringles and BOO-FOR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The long awaited BOO-FOR debut and it also has to do with National Sit At Home and Eat Pringles Day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I should not be allowed near an energy drink after midnight but it happens and this is the result. I apologize in advance.

Silence. Usually it would be something Erin would consider peaceful but today was different. There were no sounds at all, nothing. No clanging of metal, no boots clunking up the stairs, no Pringles crunched on by a certain engineer, no cheesy eighties love ballads, it was silent. She went to her desk and dutifully began work on her equations. Her pen scratched the notebook as she worked on the numbers for a proton bazooka, an item which made Abby, Patty, Kevin, and herself very un-easy at the idea of anti-tank weapon having full protonic capabilities. Holtzmann assured them that it was just for defensive purposes but Erin had her doubts. Holtz would no doubt put the thing by her crotch and then someone takes a photo and BOOM that rag called New York Post has a new headline, "CROTCHBUSTERS! WHAT YOUR TAX DOLLARS ARE FUNDING." Erin sighed as she got back to work and tried to stop thinking about Jillian's crotch, how soft it must be, after all that night after the night. Wait-what, Erin stopped as she took a deep breath and tried to get her breathing under control, she needed to not get so hot before she finished this equation. Holtzmann needed this equation now and she could think of the ravishing later. 

Erin looked down at her notebook and saw the hearts she doodled; the equation is finished and she snapped a photo of the formula. She threw her pen down and growled as she walked downstairs. She looked at her calendar and sighed, it was only August 6th, 2017 and she still had not told anyone about this silly fling with Holtz. This had to stop before someone, namely,  Holtz is hurt and go to the hospital for an inguinal injury. Erin's phone buzzed and the poor woman sighed as she picked it up.

_**Holtzmann 08:15- u have m equations for big boom? i have the parts, no questions asked from SAAB Bofors.** _

Erin stared at the phone and decided she needed to text back. But what to text? The fact that Holtz already had munitions worried her and Patty was right. Patty was always right, she hated. Holtzmann was scary. She attached the photo of the equation.

_**Erin  08:17- Yes. Promise me you will not do anything stupid?** _

_**….** _

Erin growled at her phone as she resigned herself to not know what Holtz was even doing. It scared her and without fail Patty was right. Why had she not come in today? Why did she have Swedish munitions? Where her lips soft when she kissed her? She slapped herself and she tries to get out of her bi-mid-life-crisis after having dated only douchebags like Phil and Andy. Would Jill  still be interested in some as old and worse, this crazy?

"Hey, what's wrong- oh it's quiet. Too quiet." Abby said as she entered the breakroom.

"Wait. No machines, no cheesy Richard Marx albums, and no Pringles- I am going to kill her. I bought some Taco Pringles yesterday and hid em' in my desk too." Patty sighed as she collapsed into the seat next to Erin.

* * *

 

**ACROSS TOWN**

Jillian Holtzmann grinned with glee as she dismantled the AT-4 Jocke had sent for her birthday. The proton bazooka idea had come into her head after Rowan-Gate. She took off August 6th. Why August 6th? It was National Eat Pringles Day and she was fully stocked on those yummy, salty parabolas some of which were stolen. Poor Patty, a mere desk would not contain the urge to eat of those salty, salty, artificially taco flavored Pringles. Her brother really had come through with the anti-tank rifle system and she really loved the thought of the Pringles he had sent from Sweden. She looked at the different anti-tank projectiles Jocke had managed to "misplace": HEDP 52's, HEAT, HP, AST, and her personal favorite  the AT8. All capable of taking out a city block if she wasn't careful, which she was totally doing, safety is sexy after all. She also had enough Pringles to feed a city block but today was Eat Pringles Day and she was going to eat her surplus.

She looked at the equation Erin had sent and quickly sent it to her AirPrinter. Holtz rocked on her feet as she waited for the equation and snatched another Pringle out of yet another tube.

 

"Yuck, French Pringles, no Bueno." Jill said to herself as the equation shot out of her printer, catching it as fast as a treecat.

 

**Pringle tube in hand, check.**

**Blowtorch, check.**

**Something like Americium-235, double check.**

**Richard Marx, check.**

**AT12-T Projectile, AT12-T. How did IT get behind her Divine action statuette?**

She took the spare parts from the original proton stream and began to build her new proton anti-ghost-tank system. It would rival the proton packs and it would be crucial if there was another apocalypse. There could be another Rowan who could potentially grow into a 240-foot ghost. One well-placed shot could knock out a ghost tank but what about two? She chuckled as she reached for another Pringle and thought of the back blast. She frowned as she thought of the implications that it might have on the team and how she would be the only able to use it. No matter, the ammo would be non-existent after she re-wired the firing mechanism to charge around the AT12-T round which would create a proton shaped charge to take out a ghost tank, bullied sociopaths, and the most well-built of actual battle tanks. It would be a bitch to lug around but it would have similar properties to the proton packs, only deadlier.

Erin would be so proud and slightly frightened at the amount of detail. "The Holtz" would tell her she was smart, they would get cheesesteaks, make out, and probably go “all the way”. Holtz dozed off as she dreamed of a certain brown-haired woman of whom she adored more than any Pringle.

* * *

 

**AUGUST 7th, 2017**

Patty, Erin, Kevin, and Abby waited anxiously downstairs as Holtzmann had yet to arrive for work. Erin had been pacing when the doors finally opened and everyone got up but it was only Bennie. They continued to wait and wait.

FOUR HOURS LATER

Erin sighed as they sat around waiting for Holtzmann to show up. It had been four hours and they still had not heard from their munitions expert. Patty sighed as Bennie followed suit and she smacked him, she’s worrying. What if Holtzmann had an accident and damaged her inguinal area? She would definitely help in the healing process (that's gay Erin, really gay) if Holtz would let her.

Abby glared as her phone rang and she answered, "Holtzmann. I am going to- no, slow down. Wait, wait, no! HOW? IS THAT A THI- NO. NO, I am not certain of the existence of ghost tanks, no- ok I will have Patty get on that, be safe. YES, safe, not suave." She growled as she hung up.

"Patty, I need you to look up ghost tanks and wait-Christ. Erin, Patty, look at this." Abby groaned as she held her phone up, the photo would tell all.

The photo had a more than exuberant Jillian Holtzmann holding a rocket launcher up to her crotch with a less than happy Jennifer Lynch in running gear holding the other end of the rocket launcher.

**Holtznator 10:53- Pls tel Erin tha' I wanna her touch m metal machine.**

**Abs 10:54- No, please just take out the tank. No more crotch shots please, please, Lynch looks pissed and ready to cut funding.**

**Holztnator 10:54- she mad i got this imported w/o consult her and homeland. swedish bazooka and you cant get this at IKEA**

**Abs 10:55- im just glad you on r side and not with terrorists, ghosts. NO MOE CROTCH SHOTS**

**Holtznator … is typing**

****

**Please imagine Holtzmann doing this, this is what I see her doing with the BOO-FOR.**

 

"See, I told you. I told you Abby that something like this would happen." Patty hollered as Abby merely nodded. The dots continued to flicker on the phone as they waited for Holtzman’s response

"C'mon, we need to save our munitions expert from Lynch, cause that is more terrifying than a ghost tank.” Erin said as the three women geared up and got into the Ecto 2.1.

 

Holtzmann grunted as she lay on the ground and fire another shot as the tank exploded. The thunder resonated across Washington Square Park and she jumped up, heaving the rocket launcher on her back. Sweet victory was finally within her grasp and the AT4 "BOO-FOR" Proton rocket launcher system was a glorious, mad success.

"BLOOBITY!" She screamed as she twirled and produced a Pringle can in victory. It was time to celebrate and to channel her inner mad scientist.

Lynch glared at her as she enjoyed the hard-won salty parabolas after going toe to toe with a ghost tank from a ghost division. The hearse drove up and Holtz stopped her dancing as Lynch smirked as her two friends and crush drew closer. She gulped as Patty and Abby looked erm, angry for the lack of a better word. Erin was a lot harder to read as she looked proud but tired  at the same time. Jennifer shoved her towards her friends and gave them a pointed look.

* * *

 

"Holtzmann, why did you feel it necessary to test this un-tested piece of weaponry without us? Do you ever just think 'Holtzmann, no!'?" Erin said as she points her finger directly at the engineer's chest.

Erin tries her best not to stare at Holtzmann's boobs but fails. She falters back as Holtzmann steps closer to her and swats her hand away. It was an intimate moment and Erin leaned closer, KRUNCCH, and Erin screams. There was Pringle crumbs in her hair and Holtz looks at her, then down and then back up, well Erin certainly was ogling, how could she not after their incredible night after the movie?

"If you must know, I read books and discovered a ghostly tank that was right here in New York. I figured 'HOLTZMANN, YES!' and went for it. Lynch happened to be on her morning jog and she was glad to assist. Plus, the Pringle Day and your big ideas made this worthwhile, I MADE A ROCKET LAUNCHER! BLOOBITY." Jillian said as she booped the mayor's assistant on the nose as she moved closer to the physicist, grinning like a maniac.

They stayed locked into each other's eyes as Erin lunged for Holtz as their lips crashed onto the other. Holtz is shocked but quickly responded in kind by kissing back. They continued their frenzied make-out session and Holtz’s hands started to roam under Erin’s jumpsuit. Neither wanted to come up for air and would have done it right there, but thankfully Patty started talking to them and Holtzy was sorry for not consulting them on taking out a ghost tank. No one really had an explanation for it either, it just had appeared out of nowhere and it was suspicious that there was no ghost division of tanks

"Yo gays, I am so glad you guys are together but, I need a nap after all this drama. WHAT DID ABBY SAY ABOUT BLOOBITY?! Holtzy, cut it out, I know you can hear me." Patty said as the two women finally broke apart, staring lovingly at one another.

The four walked to the hearse as Holtz slings her arm around Erin's waist and continues walking. Patty looks at Abby and knows what will be going down tonight, they also will steer clear of the firehouse and Holtz’s apartment, just to be safe. They finally reach the hearse and Holtz puts her rocket launcher in the back.

"Hey Erin, you want to come back to my place and touch my metal machines?" Holtz asked with a smirk and knew Erin got her coded meaning, ‘touch my metal machine’ vaguely meant for Holtz some sexy fun time.

Erin beamed at the engineer as she nipped at Holtz's ear and gave her a sly grin. She would be doing more than just touching Holtz’s machines tonight, she would be sucking.

“Promise me not to bring the rocket launcher in the bedroom, I know you.” Erin said as Holtzmann gave her a mock offended look.

“Dr. Gilbert, I assure you the only rockets we will be usi-.” Jill started to say before Abby interrupted her.

“No, don’t finish that. Please, just don’t do it in public or in the hearse, Patty might have an aneurysm if you two get caught doing the do.” Abby said and gave Holtzmann a stern warning glare.

They both shot just each other a knowing look and knew that the night was still young, plenty of time for some good ol’ sex. Maybe throw some Pringles in the mix too, oh the nibbling that would go on tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *throws energy drinks at this fic, energy drinks*


	6. Hey Professor! What's Hangin?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Professor, A very different spin on how Holtz and Erin’ s first meeting. Holtzmann decided to audit a course at Columbia on a drunken dare from Abby. Also, Chamillioniare’s song is ‘Ridin’, not ‘Ridin Dirty’ cause that song title was taken by a different rap group. That was very random, I apologize.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late but I had a final to do on the last day of Holtzbert Week and this got away from me but voila, this is seeing the light of day at last! 
> 
> HOPE YOU ENJOY!

August 2015 

Jillian Holtzmann sat down in the big hall as she grumbled and pulled her binders out. For someone being as smart as she was and having an IQ of 163, sometimes Ms. Tequila and Abby Yates were not her friend and getting on the internet was proving to be a bad idea. That is how she found herself auditing an undergraduate level Quantum Theory course at Columbia. Abby had forced out of her lab and onwards for her “first day”. She had tried calling Dr. Gorin and instead of helping her out, she sent a letter to Dean Fillmore to LET her student audit the course. So here she is, sitting in what she would consider “hell” since she never got a single good grade in Quantum Theory at MIT. Numbers and theory were not her thing, a blowtorch, and some highly questionable munitions on the other hand, that was a thing.

The other students filed in and Holtzmann just grumbled under her breath as the hall filled, mostly undergrad students.

“Hi, I’m Patty and you are?” the brown woman next to her asked and Holtz nearly jumped out of her chair, she had not seen the woman sit down.

“Dr. Holtzmann. Energy drink-full, Virgo, avid-rocketeer, 7.6% jazzed to meet you, and stupidly hungover. Stupid tequila, audit a course drunk Holtzy said, itll be fun, put the Barcardi in the proton pack Holtzy.” Holtzmann grumbled as Patty looked at her in shock and gave her a smirk.

“So, I take it you know a thing or two about quantum mechanics?” Patty asked as Holtzmann kicked her feet on the desk. 

“Shh. I’m still hungover, please talk less and let me die in peace. Yes, I have a Ph.D. in Nuclear Engineering but the liquor tolerance of a weasel. Never sign up to audit a class drunk and one you got a C in at MIT.” Jillian whispered as the other woman fought back a laugh.

“Man, if you in this class I may not survive the semester.” Patty said as Dr. Gilbert walked in and made a cough. 

“That’s what she said.” Holtzmann said as she laid her head on the table in the lecture hall and was awakened by another cough. 

“Okay, welcome to Quantum Theory I and I want to start off by saying this will not be an easy class. My name is Doctor Erin Gilbert and you will address me as Dr. Gilbert or Professor Gilbert. You must work every day, I will pair you off and I have a zero-tolerance policy on laziness. I am a tough grader but I want you to all succeed even if you are not getting credit for this course, we need to make positive environment for learning. Any questions?” Erin said as she finished her opening speech and noticed that no hands went up.  
Typical. No one cared about quantum theory, save for the physics and engineering majors and some audit students, nice. Time to start molding minds and hopefully no one would find out about the time she had lectured to an empty class for twenty minutes. 

“I have some questions. What’s your bra size? Do you know David S. Pumpkins? ” Jillian Holtzmann asked loudly and Erin sighed, there was always one person who never took her class seriously. 

“No, please just pay attention to the lecture and don’t be a goof, what would your parents say?” Erin responded and looked back at the student, she seemed to be a cocky one. No one had ever tried to flirt with her directly or query about her bra size. Could she? No, Erin, we have Phil for that. 

“Why did I drink ten bottles of tequila and convince Dr. Gorin and Dr. Fillmore take a class that I made an average of 75.3406% to audit, even after I sober up? I call it rotten luck.” Holtzmann responded as the professor smirks and gives her an odd look.

“Thank you miss, please sit down we have a lot of notes to get through and not a lot of time.” Erin said with a forced smile, some students were just little shits and this one would be no different. She started writing on her whiteboard and got down to the practical details of quantum physics. 

7 Months Later

July 2016 

“My parents thought I was crazy. They had me in therapy for years. All the kids at school made fun of me and called me ‘ghost girl’.” She looked over at Abby, smiling. “But Abby believed me right away.” 

“Hey, I believe you too.” Patty announced. 

“Hmm, I have some questions. Bra size?” Holtzmann said, then winked at her. 

“Wait a second- why does that sound familiar, Holtzmann keep it in your jorts.” Patty exclaimed as she slapped the engineer on her arm. 

The banter was so familiar and it dawned on Erin that the two of them in horror, they had been in her class. 

“Oh, my god. You both took my Quantum Physics course, didn’t you?” Erin said with horror and Holtzmann winked again. 

“Yes, and you paired me up with the hell spawn of partners, her.” Patty said as she pointed to Holtzmann, who was casually using a blowtorch to make a s’more. 

Holtz looked up and smirked as she walked back and slung an arm around Patty’s shoulder. She placed the s’more near Patty’s ear and Patty swats her way.  
“Get off, man. Don’t respect my space at all.” Patty hissed as she inspects her shoulder for any marshmallow debris. 

“What, I made it fun and if it weren’t for me you’d still be listening to Stevie Nicks. Chamillionaire is such an undervalued artist who made a 2005 dance jam to racial profiling in Houston. Plus, I made the ‘Ridin’ rap so you could remember Ohm’s law, remember?” Holtzmann said as Patty tried not to laugh, she had made a friend in that class and she was glad it had been her down in that tunnel.

“I got conductors in two spaces except Rouston.” Holtz rapped and everyone stared at her.

No one excepted to remember her rap and to the tune of ‘Ridin’, there was an uncomfortable pause. 

“Yes, thank you and please never do that again. I never want to hear that song again for a long time.” Patty said as Erin looked between the two of them, they seemed to banter so easily and they seemed to go so easy.  
-  
The four of them sat in the bar a few days after they defeated Rowan’s ghost-apocalypse and were currently enjoying nice pint. They gently joked about Abby and Erin’s new do, Holtzmann stood up and spoke, “I’d like to make a toast. Not the French kind either, a real toast.” 

“When I first met Abby,” she began, “I was so happy to have my first real friend. And now with all of you, I have my first real family.” Her eyes gleamed, “I truly love you guys, even Slimebucket over there, wanna go on a date?” She finished as she looked over to Erin hope in her eyes that she would say yes.

“34B.” Erin said with a sigh and Patty laughed, loudly. Holtzmann perked up and grinned like a treecat who just had some celery. 

The long-awaited question Holtzmann had asked in August of last year, finally answered.

“Is that a yes?” Holtz asked with genuine enthusiasm as Erin had finally answered her question. 

“I will answer for myself, yes.” Abby said as Erin shot her daggers. 

The table had dissolved into giggles and Holtz looked very happy, like a weasel who had gotten its belly rubbed.

“I will answer for myself and yes, lez do it.” Erin responds as Holtzmann woops loudly, making the approaching Jennifer Lynch sigh. 

“We want to thank you for your discretion. It’s not working at all, but thank you.” Jennifer said and adds, “If you guys need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask.” 

“What’s your br-.” Holtzmann begins to ask as Erin shoves a tube of Pringles she had been keeping in her purse in front of the engineer.  
“Eat that before I change my mind about eating out with you.” Erin hissed and everyone stares at her.

“Anything we want? Anything?” Holtz asked and gripped Erin’s hand under the table.

Holtz and Erin will be eating out for a long time after this and they love it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's the end of Holtzbert Week for me and again sorry for the tardiness of this chapter but life knocked me over and kicked me in the face.


	7. Roller Derby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roller Derby 
> 
> Two months late but better late then never!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I fell whilst walking my dog so I am typing on scraped hands with chunks of gravel embedded in them, so actual blood went into this (seriously, actual blood that went into this). after a long two months of waiting I give you this! It took falling on the sidewalk with my doggo and going through Hurricane Harvey to get this finished, and some Michael Jackson, you'll see where.
> 
> *does little victory dance*

 Holtzmann was not one for subtlety but she noticed that Erin was getting bruises and hickeys? She would show up to work with a little smudged eye-liner here or a scraped hand there and lately she had some scraped elbows, was she? No, no she couldn’t be in an abusive relationship, could she? 

Holtz ponders before she gets back to work on her newly improved targeting system for a proton rocket launcher, the equations for the rest of her ‘BOO-FOR’ system is being held hostage as soon as she promised not to blow up anyone, well, 

Phil, after that little shit had the nerve to try and ask Erin out on a date. She’d deal with that Limp Dizkit sooner or later, Phil was such a douche that she had started referring to him as Limp Dizkit in her head and it was not a name of respect either, who even listened to Limp Bizkit? The 90’s was a bad time for bro music. 

Which brought her back to Erin, the woman she had fallen head over heels in love and yet, she was getting hurt and she could not do a thing about it. She hit her radio and groaned, why’d it hafta’ to be The Suicide Machines?

First, there was the fact that Erin had told the ‘busters it was her first concert where she got wasted, Abby  had to carry her out after she punched a guy from insulting another girl at the concert in Detroit. 

Two, it was ‘High Anxiety’ and that song always got stuck in her head. Those songs were damn catchy, like Chamillionaire and Aqua, they would bore a hole in her brain and for the next two weeks it was nothing but cheesey one hit wonders in the lab. 

“Damn it, freaking pop punk music, always getting stuck in my head.” Holtzmann muttered as she continued to tinker on the small target sight. 

One part down, keep on dancing, keep on flying, keep on going you got this, I believe in Steve! She shook her head aggressively, how did she get here from thinking about Erin? Oh yeah, she didn’t want to keep thinking about Erin and her scraped palms.

 “ARGH, no little potato man, get out of here.” Holtz said to no one in particular, she did not want to worry Abby or Patty about the containment unit.

* * *

 Erin “Anxxxiety” Gilbert made another lap around the rink as the other roller derby girls followed suit. Today was all about building stamina and endurance, no punches today. She made another lap and as the team’s pivot she had to be the best, she had to blame Eddie for that. 

Eddie, her brother, got her into the world of roller derby after taking her to another Suicide Machines concert in 98’ and joining up with the Hurl Scouts after finishing undergrad. That was when she had met Ash and they quickly became fast friends.

She had kept up with the roller derby world even after going into academia and had gone from the Hurl Scouts in Kalamazoo to the Backyard Bullies in Yonkers, sure it was an hour away but most of these girls were like a second family to her and roller derby meant the world to her, save for the bruises. 

Phil had not liked it but after one of her teammates threatened him with a woodchipper and one promised they would feed what was left to the lion in the City Zoo, he recanted. 

“Yo Anxxxiety, long time no see eh?” Ashley “Smashley” Simpson yelled as Erin turned around and looked at one her oldest friends, save Abby, skate up and hop into the rink. 

“I could say the same Smash but at least your nose is straight this time.” Erin responded and Ashley gave her a glare, the two definitely had a history. 

“That’s the only straight thing about me, asshole. So how are you doing ‘Maggie’? Still dating Dreamboat McGee, or is there a Miss Dreamboat McGee?” Ashley asked and Erin sat down in the center of the rink, grabbing a water bottle.

“We don’t know how to deal with our feelings and she’s obviously gay. I am such a hopeless bisexual and we both are doing the weird pigeon mating dance.” Erin sighed as Ash pats her on the back. “

You ain’t useless, you just need to show her the confident ‘Maggie “Anxxxiety” Mayhem’ is and how you handle out on the rink. Throwing elbows, shoving bitches.” Ashley said as Erin laughs, “see, you are feeling better already, so get up because we need to go out before tomorrow and I know just the place, Flaming Saddles!” she finished as Erin fought back a loud laugh. 

“Isn’t that the Western gay bar on W. 54th and I don’t want get shitfaced tonight.” Erin asked with a sigh, Ashley laughed and nodded in agreement and headed out to the saloon. 

“Yes, and I am getting you laid tonight. Here lemme text your crush and she’ll be there, Er.” Ash said as she punched Erin’s shoulder. 

Erin just groans, it’s going to be a long night after all. She just wanted to stay in and read Nature but now. Well, send lawyers, guns, and money, it was going to be that type of night.

* * *

“Man, Erin still ain’t here yet? Did she have a date last night Abby? ABBY!” Patty screeched as she searched for the missing teammate. 

“She texted me last night and said an old friend was crashing at her place from Michigan, I honestly did not know she still kept in touch with anyone from Pickney.” Abby said as Patty gave her a concerned look. 

“I got the weirdest text from Holtz last night. Something about a flaming saddle, a brunette from Lake Huron, and winged tip eyeliner which this is Holtzy terrifies me.” Patty said as Abby looked at the text in question. 

“So, let me get this straight.” Abby said with a snort, “we are down one lesbian and one bisexual and Holtz texted about a brunette with eyeliner. ERIN! Of course.” Abby hollers at a confused Patty who tries to understand what the physicist had to do with Holtzy’s late night. 

“ Please, I am so lost right now and imma about to go W. 54 St. and start showing Holtzy’s picture like a lost puppy.” Patty said as she points a finger at Abby, glaring.

“Ok, so Erin has always played roller derby and her friend from Pickney has to be Ash. Those two are very close and knowing Ash, Erin got laid after three shots of tequila. Look, Holtz and Erin are most likely in bed and knowing Erin, sadly, Holtz may be in a negligee.” Abby states as Patty stares at her, she did not need to know that.

“Ok, ok, ok. So, they did the nasty and I’m just glad we did not have to lock those two in a room.” Patty states with a sigh of relief.

"Yes, but it will get worse. They will start mating in public and maybe on a bench. Pigeons.” Kevin said as he twiddled his thumbs and the two women stare at their receptionist, surprised at what he said. 

“Kevin, are you talking about pigeons or Erin and Holtz?” Abby asked and braced herself for the answer. 

“Boss and the woman from The Radio Times, totally cool.” Kev said as he tossed a paperclip and caught it on his nose, like a well-trained Yellow Lab named Pickle. 

Patty and Abby sigh in unison  they just go upstairs and hope everything works out with their two friends. Hopefully, Holtz did not bring anything protonic in bed. The woman was crazy good with munitions, a little too good.

* * *

Holtzmann woke up with a bad hangover and what was she wearing, what happened last night? Nothing and why did she feel so sore, a negligee. She rolls over and clutches the sheets to her chest as the door opens and she groans. 

“Look, I don’t do the one night stands and as soon as I find some pants I’ll be out of your hair.” Holtz says in a robotic voice and looks up to see a bemused Erin looking back at her. 

what happened? Had she died and gone to Sapphic Nirvana?

“I’d rather you not, Jillian. Pants are optional and you look so sexy in that.” Erin said with a smirk and Jillian only gasped. Was this real?

“What happened last night?” Holtz asks as Erin hops on the bed and she snuggles up to Holtz. 

“Well, things came to a climax and we both had a great time.” Erin purred in Holtz’s ear and she lightly touches the younger woman’s earlobe. 

“So, you don’t regret it- is this. Are we startin somethin'?” Holtz asked as she gestured to their intimacy in bed and Erin looks up at her, grinning. 

“Nope, and yes, I don’t regret it, you can see more of my moves when the Backyard Bullies go up against the Steel Beamers on Friday night.” Erin told Holtz with a grin and plants a kiss on the engineer’s forehead. 

“You- skates?” Holtz tries to form words as she tries to think how a meek, mild-mannered, Erin Gilbert could jam and shove in a roller derby. 

It was leaving her speechess. 

“Yes and I want my girlfriend cheering me on next Saturday. Shit, we have to get to work soon or Abby and Patty will suspect something.” Erin swore as she started rifling through to find some clothes for Holtz, they needed to get work.

“Ok, can’t wait for Saturday then. I’ll be there with some nachos.” Holtz replied as she took in her sweetheart look for her tacky, white, camouflage pants.  


**Author's Note:**

> Ok, how I’d do on my first fic on here? Annoyed? Surprised? Laughing your a** off? Want a couple of coconuts with some lime? Lemme know by dropping a line in the comment section or by punching that kudos button in the face!


End file.
